It's been hard around here. In my head... In my marriage... In my schoolwork... In my life...
This morning I stumbled upon an article I had saved but not yet read. Written by a woman who has chosen an interesting way to live, it's about the art and practice of letting go and names 18 things we can do find peace. There were two parts of this list that struck me deep. The first gives me pause and plenty to consider:
"Letting go isn’t just cliche spiritual advice. Letting go isn’t not caring. Letting go isn’t passive. Letting go isn’t merely saying, “It’s all good” or “whatever.” Letting go isn’t lazy. Letting go isn’t giving up. Letting go isn’t the easy way out. Letting go isn’t always fun. Letting go is the most courageous thing you can do."
(Courage is something I truly value, but I don't have the reserves to evaluate that last line right now. I'm leaving it in, not because I agree with it, but in case it strikes a chord for one of you.)
The second thing was heavy enough to move me to write for the first time in months. It speaks for letting go of procrastination, which is something I often struggle with. The author says this:
"Procrastination is based in fear: of failure, of success, of sharing our stories, of what other people will think. Let go of these fears and take action. Just do it. All we have is now."
While writing, and this blog, are close to my heart, they've fallen to the bottom of a pile of things that I want in my life but haven't maintained the way I prefer. This, however, is not why the procrastination quote moved me. As indicated by my tagline (*it's not always rainbows and butterflies) an important part of My White Picket Life is sharing what's not good and not perfect about me, about my life, even though there's no room for complaints around here.
As a confession, I've been making- and also not making- choices that have been hurting myself and (more importantly) the people I love. The hurt: I don't know how to avoid it. For any of us. But I can see that the putting off of conversations, of feelings, and of decisions has unintentionally made that hurt worse. The shitty thing is that understanding it doesn't make confronting those things any easier. It has, however, encouraged me to commit to putting my fears just far enough aside that the hard things can be addressed without causing the additional pain of silence and wondering and delay.
As gut-wrenching as reality can be, I don't want to waste any more time by procrastinating due to fear. So, I'll try. To choose peace through the struggle. To speak truth through the pain. To face difficulties with compassion. Because all we have is now.
I'd love to see you there.